Top tips to help you support your children, through all stages of your breakup or divorce, by Sarah Steele Accredited Breakup and Master Divorce coach.
Many of you going through a breakup, will obviously have concerns about how this may impact your children.
Many of you, may only be focusing on the negative impact it may have on your children, however, this is a limiting belief that presently you have no evidence of.
How do you know right now that the only impact it will have on them will be negative?
So, let’s do this instead; let's ‘flip it’ to start thinking of ways to help them positively get through this!!!
Tip1
This is the most important one – Tell them both parents love them, and they are not to blame.
Tell them, that this has nothing to do with them.
Tip 2
You are their role model and where you lead your children will follow. Children will see, how you respond and react to challenging situations.
Children who see a calm parent, in control of their emotions (as much as is humanly possible), who responds with dignity and poise, and can make choices in a difficult time, are more likely to feel less anxious.
Modelling calm where you can is key to insulating your child from any conflict.
This is teaching your children, how to handle themselves in challenging situations, and how to process and manage their emotions effectively and to move on.
Learning how to manage their emotions can be an empowering life lesson to learn early in life, to help them manage their personal challenges in their own lives.
Tip 3
Like you, your children are going through their own grief, and like you, will feel they are on an emotional rollercoaster.
Grief can move along a line, although not always forward, often moving up and down for a time, until you reach a point of acceptance.
Therefore, like you, they may go through these stages:
Denial – this is not happening
Anger – feeling frustrated and stressed
Bargaining – why my parents, it’s my fault, guilt and shame
Depression – feeling sad, apathy
Acceptance – moving on, feeling hopeful
As a parent, it’s so important to give them the opportunity to tell you how they are feeling and express any worries they may have.
They need to know that it's okay to do this, as they may be worried about upsetting you, and try and hold their feelings back.
This is the time for you to listen, this is the time for you to let them know that it's okay to feel any of the feelings listed above, as it's normal.
Grief is a process that has its own timeline and is not linear and feelings are normal.
Tip 4
Listening to your children is key.
When you listen actively, your child will feel heard and seen.
Actively listening to your child, will encourage them to feel they can come and talk to you about their worries or concerns, not to fix them, but to understand how they are feeling.
Encourage them to ask questions.
Make supper times, when you are sitting around the table together a time your children know, you are available to listen to them.
Going on a walk is another great opportunity to have open conversations about what’s happening (on a need-to-know basis and age-appropriate), to keep them informed and to reassure them and allay any fears.
Tip 5
After listening to any concerns your child may have, now is the time to ask them the right questions, in the right way, to reframe their thoughts.
You can use some of the examples below:
What’s the best thing that happened to you today?
Who and what has made you smile and laugh today?
What are you looking forward to?
What are you glad about right now?
What are you looking forward to most when we are in our new home?
What will it be like to have two bedrooms to decorate?
Keep asking open questions (questions that cannot be answered with a yes or no) to evoke conversation, thought and future focus, to help your child think more positively.
Tip 6
Becoming a single parent is never something you think about when you have children in a relationship, but it happens.
Remember children will learn from your lead.
I want you to focus on the positives, here are some thoughts to help you:
You can parent your children as you wish when they are with you, however, if possible, it’s important to try and agree on a consistent approach to the important things across both homes.
You get quality time with your children and can do activities with them that your partner may have not enjoyed.
One of the biggest priorities during a breakup or divorce is to ensure your children are ok.
Whilst is undeniable that divorce is challenging for all ages of children, there is a lot that parents can do to ensure their children feel supported.
Respecting and acknowledging their emotions is key as it provides them with the validation to know it's okay to feel the way they do, and that it's normal to feel sad and cry.
Divorce does mean change, and alterations in routine, which can make children anxious so it’s important to keep them informed of changes that will affect them.
I hope you have enjoyed reading my top tips and I know they will help you
Sarah xx
My name is Sarah Steele, and I am an Accredited Breakup, Separation and Divorce Coach and Master Practitioner if you need support both emotionally and practically to help you survive and thrive pre, during or post your divorce I can help you.
Why not book a free Discovery call, via my Calendly link via my website:
Comments