Why You Feel So Drained and Confused by Your Breakup

By Sarah Steele, Accredited Breakup and Divorce Coach and Life Coach

If you’ve ever wondered why your breakup leaves you feeling utterly drained, foggy, or like you’re on a rollercoaster you didn’t buy a ticket for, you’re not alone.

The truth is that divorce and separation aren’t just legal or logistical events. They are emotional earthquakes that shake the very foundation of your life. It’s no surprise that so many people describe the experience as “losing a part of themselves.”

That’s because a breakup, particularly a divorce, is a kind of death. Not in the literal sense, but in the death of a relationship, of shared dreams, of the life you thought you were going to live. Just like any significant loss, this triggers a grief response in your body and mind, and grief, as you may know, doesn’t move in a neat straight line; it moves in waves, cycles, and spirals.

Grief and the Emotional Rollercoaster

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ grief cycle outlines stages such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These aren’t steps you tick off like items on a checklist. Instead, they loop and repeat. You may wake up one morning feeling optimistic and grounded, only to feel consumed by sadness or rage by afternoon. That unpredictability is why so many people say they feel “confused” by their own reactions.

Here’s the truth: nothing is wrong with you. Your body and brain are processing trauma and loss, and the shifts in mood are a natural part of that process. Healing is not linear; it’s messy, human, and deeply personal. Some days will feel deeper and heavier than others, and that’s okay.

Why You Feel So Drained

Grief is exhausting. It isn’t just emotional, it’s physical. Stress hormones flood your system. Sleep may be disrupted. You may feel like you’re in a fog or unable to focus. Your body is literally working overtime to keep you safe while also processing the emotional pain of loss.

That’s why even small tasks, like answering emails or cooking dinner, can feel monumental. Your nervous system is already on high alert. Think of it like trying to run a marathon while also carrying a heavy backpack; your body and mind are carrying extra weight.

The Importance of Naming and Processing Your Emotions

I’d like you to pause and ask yourself one simple but powerful question:

👉 “What am I feeling right now?”

It might seem too basic, but this question invites awareness instead of avoidance. Too often, people push down their feelings, hoping they’ll just “get over it.” But unprocessed emotions don’t go away; they linger in the body, sometimes showing up as tension, illness, or sudden bursts of anger or sadness.

Addressing your emotions doesn’t mean wallowing in them. It means acknowledging they exist and giving them healthy outlets. Some practical ways to do this include:

• Brain dumping: Grab a notebook and write down everything on your mind without censoring yourself. Let it be messy and raw.

• Talking it out: Share with a trusted friend, therapist, or coach. Saying things aloud often lightens the weight.

• Body expression: Movement, stretching, or even a good cry are ways your body processes emotions.

  
  

Remember, emotions are energy in motion. Letting them flow is what helps you move forward.

Tips for Riding the Waves

Because divorce is not only a loss but also a form of trauma for many, it’s important to care for your nervous system as well as your heart. Here are a few trauma-informed strategies you can practice daily:

• Breathing: Try simple grounding breaths—inhale for 5, hold for 2, exhale for 8. This tells your body you are safe, even when your mind is swirling.

• Gratitude practice: Write down three small things you’re grateful for each day. Even in the darkest times, this rewires your brain to notice what’s still good.

• Listen to your body: Notice where you hold tension, maybe in your  jaw, shoulders, chest, or stomach. Gently stretch or place your hand there with compassion.

• Rest without guilt: Fatigue is part of grief. Allow yourself to rest without judgment. This is not laziness; it’s healing.

• Create micro-routines: When everything feels chaotic, small rituals, like making tea, walking outside, or journaling before bed, help anchor your nervous system.

These practices won’t erase your pain, but they will build resilience and help you ride the waves of emotion without feeling like you’re drowning.

Empowerment in the Midst of Grief

I want you to hear this clearly: you are not broken. What you are experiencing is a natural response to loss. Your emotional ups and downs don’t mean you’re weak; they mean you’re human.

Healing from divorce is not about rushing yourself into “moving on.” It’s about learning to move through your experience with compassion. It’s about creating space for your feelings, learning new ways to soothe yourself, and slowly rebuilding a life that feels whole and aligned again.

How Can I Support You

As a breakup and divorce coach, my role is to walk alongside you in this process. Together, we can:

• Identify and understand the emotions you’re experiencing.

• Create practical strategies to help you cope with the rollercoaster days.

• Support your nervous system with trauma-informed practices.

• Explore your next steps so you can begin rebuilding your sense of self and direction.

You don’t have to carry this alone. Divorce can feel like the end of everything you knew, but it can also be the beginning of something new. With the right tools and compassionate support, you can move through this season with strength and hope.

If you’re ready to take the next step in your healing, I invite you to reach out. Let’s have a conversation about where you are right now, and where you’d like to go.

You are stronger than you think, and you are worthy of peace and healing.

With compassion,

Sarah x

Accredited Breakup and Divorce  Coach

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