Is It Abuse?

10 Subtle (and Not-So-Subtle) Signs You Might Be in an Abusive Relationship

By Sarah Steele, Accredited Breakup and Divorce Master Practitioner Coach

Have you ever found yourself wondering:

“Is this normal? "

“Maybe I’m overreacting…”

“ Why do I feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time?”

If you’ve asked yourself questions like these, you’re not alone,  and it may be time to gently explore whether what you’re experiencing is part of a pattern of abuse.

Abuse doesn’t always look like black eyes or shouting matches. It can be quiet. Subtle. Confusing. It often hides in the very spaces where you expect love, support, and safety.

As a divorce coach with specialist training in emotional and psychological abuse, I’ve supported many clients through the painful, complicated journey of untangling themselves from toxic dynamics.

Awareness is often the first, brave step toward clarity and healing.

Let’s take a closer look at the signs and how you may be feeling if they’re present in your relationship.

1. You’re constantly second-guessing yourself

Do you struggle to trust your own memory or feelings? Are you frequently told you're “Too sensitive” or “imagining things”?

This is often a sign of gaslighting, a form of emotional manipulation where the other person distorts reality to make you doubt your perception. Over time, this chips away at your confidence and decision-making ability.

2. You feel responsible for their moods

Do you find yourself tiptoeing around them to avoid an outburst? Do you take the blame just to “keep the peace”?

When someone else’s anger, sadness, or volatility feels like your fault, it creates a cycle of anxiety and hyper-vigilance. You may lose sight of your own needs entirely, just to avoid triggering theirs.

3. You’re isolated — emotionally or physically

Have your friendships or family relationships drifted away?

Do you avoid talking about your relationship to others?

Abusive partners often isolate their victims, sometimes subtly, through criticism, jealousy, or guilt, until you feel like you have no one left to turn to.

4. You’re always trying to please them — but it’s never enough

Do you feel like no matter how hard you try, you’re constantly failing in their eyes?

Criticism, comparison, and shifting goalposts can leave you feeling like you’re “not good enough.” It’s not your fault. It’s a control tactic that keeps you emotionally dependent and insecure.

5. Your boundaries are repeatedly ignored

Do you feel like your “no” doesn’t matter?

Are you guilted or pressured into things, emotionally, physically, or financially?

Healthy relationships respect boundaries. If yours are dismissed, overruled, or punished, it’s not okay, it’s just not acceptable.

6. You’re confused. A lot

Is your relationship a cycle of highs and lows, hot and cold no in between?

Do you feel like you're constantly trying to “figure it out”?

Confusion is a hallmark of abuse. The unpredictability, one moment affectionate, the next dismissive or cruel, creates an emotional rollercoaster that’s deeply destabilising.

7. You're afraid — even if you can't explain why

Do you feel anxious before they come home? Are you afraid of how they’ll react if you speak up?

Fear, whether of physical retaliation, emotional withdrawal, or verbal punishment, is not part of a healthy relationship.

8. You’ve lost yourself

Do you feel like a shell of the person you used to be?

Have you stopped doing things you love or expressing your opinions?

Abuse often causes us to shrink. To go quiet. To disappear, little by little. If you're feeling disconnected from your own identity, that’s worth paying attention to.

9. You're ashamed — and unsure why

Do you find it hard to talk about your relationship, even with close friends?

Do you carry a quiet sense of guilt or failure?

Abuse thrives in secrecy and shame. You may have internalised blame that doesn’t belong to you. You haven’t failed;  you’ve been surviving.

10. You're stuck and can’t figure out what to do

Do you keep going back and forth about whether to stay or leave?

Do you feel paralysed by fear, guilt, or uncertainty?

This “freeze” response is incredibly common in abusive dynamics. The abuse itself can erode your ability to trust yourself and make even small decisions feel overwhelming.

So… Is It Abuse? And What Can You Do About It?

If parts of this post resonated with you, please know you're not imagining it. You're not too sensitive. You're not crazy, and most importantly, this is not your fault!

You may be surviving something that is, in fact, abusive,  even if it's hard to name. And if you’re unsure, that uncertainty is worth exploring with compassion, not judgment.

How I Can Help as a Divorce Coach

My role as a divorce coach with specialist experience in emotional abuse is to walk beside you,  not to pressure you, diagnose you, or tell you what to do.

Instead, I help you:

• Reconnect with your voice and intuition

• Understand your relationship dynamics without shame

• Regain clarity and decision-making confidence

• Create a safety plan if you’re thinking of leaving

• Take emotionally strategic steps forward, at your own pace

You don’t have to do this alone.

If you’re wondering, “Is this abuse?” or “Why can’t I just make a decision?”, those are exactly the questions I help my clients unpack, gently and safely.

Book your Discovery Call Here