Stuck Isn’t a Decision:
By Sarah Steele, Accredited Master Breakup and Divorce Coach and Somatic Trauma-Informed Coach.
What September might be asking you to notice
There’s something about September that can feel like a turning point.
The holidays are over. The children are heading back to school. Routines begin again and, for many people, there’s finally a little more space to think.
And sometimes, that space is uncomfortable.
Perhaps you’ve spent the summer in much closer contact with your partner and noticed cracks that were easier to ignore when life was busier.
Perhaps you’ve been telling yourself, “I’ll think about it after the holidays.”
Or maybe it isn’t your relationship at all.
You might be stuck in a situation, a job, a family dynamic or simply a way of living that no longer feels right, but you have absolutely no idea what you want instead.
You know something needs to change. You just don’t know what that change looks like yet.
This is something I hear frequently in my coaching sessions.
One of the first things I want people to know is that you don't have to have the answer before you start exploring the question.
When we feel overwhelmed, we often put pressure on ourselves to make a decision:
Should I stay or leave? Should I say something? What if I make the wrong choice? What will everyone else think? What about the children? What happens next?
Before long, you're trying to solve the next five years while your nervous system is struggling to cope with today.
So instead, I ask and support my clients to slow things down.
Here are three tools I use with clients when they feel stuck that I’d like to share with you:
1. Separate what you KNOW from what you FEAR
What do I know to be true right now?
On the other:
What am I frightened might happen?
There can be a huge difference between the two.
Fear has a habit of presenting future possibilities as though they are already facts.
Getting them out of your head and onto paper can help you see what you are dealing with today.
You don't have to solve everything. Start with what is true now.
2. Stop asking, “What should I do?” and simply ask, “What do I need?”
This is one of my favourite shifts.
When you're stuck, “What should I do?” can feel enormous.
So, try asking:
What do I need more of right now?
Maybe it's space. Information. Rest. Support. A boundary. A conversation. Financial or legal advice. Time to think. Or simply permission to acknowledge that you're not happy.
Then ask:
What do I need less of?
Conflict? People-pleasing? Walking on eggshells? Overthinking? Taking responsibility for everyone else's feelings?
You may not know what you want your life to look like in twelve months, but you can often identify what you need more and less of today.
That's a starting point!
3. Listen to what your body has been telling you
We can become very good at explaining things away intellectually while our body is
giving us very different information.
So, I ask you to pause for a moment.
Think about the situation you're struggling with and notice:
What happens in my body?
Does your chest tighten?
Does your stomach clench?
Do your shoulders rise?
Do you feel restless, agitated or desperate to do something?
Or perhaps you feel heavy, exhausted, numb or completely shut down?
Don't immediately try to change it.
Just notice.
Then ask yourself:
“What might this feeling be trying to tell me that I haven't been listening to?”
Awareness doesn't mean you have to take immediate action. It gives you information, and information gives you choice.
You don't need a crisis to make a change
I think this is particularly important.
Sometimes people wait until something becomes unbearable before they give themselves permission to seek support.
You don't have to.
You are allowed to explore why something doesn't feel right before you know what you're going to do about it.
Much of my work isn't about telling somebody whether to stay, leave or make a particular decision.
It's about creating a calm, non-judgemental space where we can make sense of what is happening, understand the patterns keeping them stuck, regulate the nervous system and gradually separate fear, pressure and other people's expectations from what they think, feel and need.
Because when the noise begins to quieten, something important often happens.
You start hearing yourself again.
And from there, we can begin working towards the next step, not necessarily the whole staircase.
So, as September begins, perhaps the question isn't:
“What big decision do I need to make?”
Perhaps it's simply:
“What have I been tolerating, postponing or ignoring that I'm finally ready to look at?”
If that question brings something up for you, you don't have to work it out alone.
I offer a complimentary, no-obligation 30-minute conversation where you can tell me a little about what's happening, and we can explore whether working together might support you.
Sometimes moving forward doesn't begin with having the answer.
It begins with giving yourself permission to ask the question.
Warm wishes
Sarah
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