If you have an ex who is difficult, it can be extremely challenging and exhausting to deal with and leave you feeling overwhelmed and confused.
It may be that now you have left, and they can no longer control you, they have an agenda to be as difficult as possible to make your life a misery.
I hear of this a lot with the clients I work with, it’s sad but unfortunately very common.
Here are some of my top tips to help you get ahead and take your power back!
Choose your people
By this I mean, surround yourself with friends and family that aren’t going to revel in your drama and give you advice that won’t help, or support you.
Surround yourself with people who will listen without judgement, those friends that you know you can phone at any time, and they will be there for you.
Consider working with a divorce coach to help you manage your emotions and give you tools and strategies to help communicate calmly and confidently with your ex and keep conflict to a minimum.
Spend time with people who make you feel safe, loved, valued and positive. This will help you to feel better and more energised to deal with a draining ex.
Pay attention to how certain people may make you feel e.g. uncomfortable, anxious, or unhappy, and dissociate from them to protect your peace.
You have the power
Remember only you have the power to control how you behave, you can’t control your ex.
You may have come to the sad realisation after years of marriage that they will never change, so set your expectations low, and then you will never be disappointed.
Although it is always preferable to communicate via the written word if you have to interact with your ex, face to face, here are some tips to help you:
Think about how you want to show up in that meeting
Think about what you want to say and how to say it
Practice what you want to say
What do you want the outcome to be?
Imagine you are putting on a Teflon coat, protecting you from negativity
Put on your power makeup or wear bright lipstick or a power suit
Think about your tone of voice, and then:
Take a breath
Pause before you speak
Speak slowly and calmly
Control the conversation
Keep it short and succinct
Keep emotions out of it
Prepare your exit plan
How would it feel to have a conversation with your ex where you have felt in control?
Try using my tips and see how differently it feels.
It's all about YOU controlling the controllables. This will make you feel stronger more resilient and more empowered!
Focus on YOU and not your ex, think and put your time and energy into what YOU can do and not on what you can’t.
This is where you will find your power!
Take control of how and when to communicate
If your ex has been controlling in your relationship, when you leave, they can become very angry and frustrated when they can’t contact you immediately.
But remember, you have a choice as to how, and when you respond to them ( unless it’s an emergency relating to your children for example).
You are not under any obligation to respond to an email or text straight away or indeed at all.
Pause, breathe, and take your time, especially if receiving any correspondence from your ex, that triggers you in any way.
Knowing that you have control over when, or if, you respond again steps you into your power.
Try this checklist when you receive any communication:
What is the timing of this - e.g. on your birthday / before you go on holiday, is there an intention behind the timing to upset you – see the behaviour for what it is
Read it through
Note anything that was a personal attack
Highlight any relevant points, and ignore the rest
If it requires a response, do it in your own time, after careful consideration of how or if you will respond
This again will help you feel in control by not reacting but responding
Key takeaway – If you don’t have to communicate with a difficult ex then don’t, the gold standard is no contact, unless there are children involved.
Setting boundaries
My favourite subject!
Once I had learnt to put boundaries in my life it was a game changer, and I want this for you.
A boundary isn’t about keeping people out, it’s about protecting your peace and living your life as you want, which aligns with your values.
Start by thinking about what you would define as acceptable behaviour from your ex (or indeed anyone else you know).
Defining your boundaries will ensure, that your difficult ex knows your limits, and remember the only person that can cross your boundaries is you!
Here is how to start:
Define and state clearly
Say what you need
Keep it simple, don’t over-explain
Set consequences
Respect your own time
Communicate your boundaries, calmly and confidently
Stay in control
Say no and mean it
Set expectations early and consistently
Wave goodbye to guilt!
Deploy your Grey Rock technique
This is a really simple but effective technique to use if you have to have contact with your difficult ex.
The idea is that you become as uninteresting to your partner as a boring grey rock, silent, immovable, dull, unattractive, unreactive and inanimate.
Make all conversations short, boring, monosyllabic, factual, and most importantly devoid of emotion or reaction.
Keep your facial expressions neutral and become unanimated.
Avoid being conversational, no pleasantries, and stick to the essentials
Key takeaways – Impart no emotion and be consistent!
Don’t tell your ex what you are doing, your ex will try and goad you into reacting emotionally but once they sense that you are not going to join in the game they will stop trying, that is why it’s so important to be consistent.
Warning your ex will find this technique very frustrating and may get angry. Hold your ground, don’t respond and keep going!
Take time for you
I can’t emphasise enough the importance of taking time for you.
Dealing with a difficult ex is exhausting and can make you physically unwell as I often hear from my clients.
Taking time for yourself and investing in your self-care means that you can be there for others in particular your children.
Investing in looking after yourself shows you and your children that you value yourself and that you feel are worthy.
Knowing this will help your self-esteem and confidence to grow.
Remember you have the power; you are enough, and you are worthy !!
I hope you have enjoyed reading my top tips and I know they will help you
Sarah xx
My name is Sarah Steele, and I am an Accredited Breakup, Separation and Divorce Coach and Master Practitioner if you need support both emotionally and practically to help you survive and thrive pre, during or post your divorce I can help you.
Why not book a free Discovery call, via my Calendly link via my website:
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